Before I was a Mom

I read this in an adoption newsletter that I get & wanted to share....

Before I was a Mom
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plans were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind & thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes & cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know the bond between a mother & her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important & happy.
Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure everything
was okay.
I had never knows the warmth, joy, love, heartache, wonderment, or satisfaction of being a
Mom.


I can relate to so much of this. Being Davis' Mommy is the most important job I'll ever have.

When we had Davis we knew he was a miracle. All babies are a gift from our Father & are miracles, but we knew this baby needed something extra to get here. We are now realizing what a miracle he is. My body may never create another baby b/c it's broken. I haven't blogged much b/c this is hard for me & I don't know what to say. I know I've shut down about talking about it b/c I don't know what is going to happen. I can say that Danny & I are talking about adoption & praying about what to do next.

The Story of Prince Davis & his throne!

On Friday I thought I'd give this whole potty thing another try with Davis. I've been trying every few weeks, with absolutely no luck at all. He was showing no interest & ended up just frustrating me.
Friday morning we got up & I put a pair of Thomas undies on him & he just took to the potty like he's been doing this forever. Friday, Saturday, & Sunday we had some probs w/ spraying. He & I just couldn't figure out how to do it w/o making a huge mess.
He's had a few hiccups along the way, but they are accidents & he really tries to get to the potty. I'm so proud of him I could just burst. I wish I had a secret as to what worked, I guess just try, try, try, try again, & be patient!
Friday night after Danny got home from work we took Davis to Target. He got some boxer briefs & Mickey Mouse Clubhouse undies. It wasn't his first choice, but the only ones that they had in his size.
We then went to Moe's & had dinner. Davis did so well. He went potty at Moe's in the big boy potty & was so proud of himself.
On Saturday we had an Upward basketball game & Davis did great. We then went to Qdoba for lunch & then to the hospital to see Troy. Davis went potty at the hospital. Davis then fell asleep in the car & Danny & I were out looking for his bedroom furniture, so we just let him sleep while I went in to the stores.
After he woke up, we stopped at the Humane Society & Davis had his first accident there. He just got so excited seeing all the puppies play & chase him.
I guess now, he's officially a big boy. Makes me really sad that he's not my baby anymore. It's so hard to believe he'll be 3, one month from tomorrow.

Blogging is not always fun!

I have struggled w/ my next blog for the past few days. Should I blog? Should some things be kept to myself? That is my question.
I started this whole blogging thing for 2 reasons. Reason 1 was for therapy. It's therapeutic to document my journey. Reason 2 was to document this journey. It's a roller coaster to say the least. As time passes I seem to forget drug amounts, times, & struggles. I want to remember this journey, no matter the outcome.
So, I decided that sometimes it's not fun to blog. Everything isn't encouraging, sometimes it's painful & hard.
On Monday Danny took in a semen sample for a semen analyst (s/a) & we got the results back on Wednesday. The count was awesome. So encouraging for us. Normal is 20 million & his was 91 million. That really did something for his ego. The motility (how many move) was normal. However, the morphility (the shape) was a little off. The average man has 12% normal sperm (morphility) & Danny's is 8%. They're not overly worried. Hey... I did get preg twice!
On Thursday I went back to the RE's office & saw Ms Devine (Dr Homm's PA) to discuss my follistim injections & get instructions. I knew they were expensive ($4000 a month), but insurance covers that, so I wasn't worried.
She started talking about IUI (insemination) to increase our chances of conceiving. The average couple has a 20% chance of conceiving in any given month. With the shots it increases to 25% & w/ IUI it would increase to about 30-33%.
We went to the business office to discuss costs. The IUI would cost us $1332 plus $150 for sperm prep. After Danny I left we discussed our options.
We had a few sticking points to consider:
A) We did get preg twice on clomid alone, so is there a need for IUI right now?
B) Would we be in God's will? If so, is this where we're being lead?
C) Cost.... do we want to spend that money right now? We would want to save for it rather than putting it on a credit card.
After much discussing, we came to the conclusion we'd do just the injections for a couple months & if they don't work out then we'll move on to either the IUI or adoption, depending on where God leads us.
The RE's office called to say that my ins (medco) won't pay for the follistim (I had already gotten it approved), but would pay for medopur injections. I was told it was the same.
Later that night the fertility pharmacy called to put my order in & get my injections to me. My total cost for the injections, endo cream, HCG trigger shot, sharps container, & the needles would be $152.88. We were pleasantly surprised & I paid w/ my debit card over the phone.
After hanging up, I told Danny I'd call the RE on Fri (today). He was looking through my folder filled w/ info from the Dr's office. Then... it happened.....
We realized that the IUI does cost the $1332+, but even for the timed intercourse method it was $1120 to cover the office visits, ultrasounds, & estradiols. That was not what we were expecting. So, now we're in limbo. Our only option is to save for the next couple months to be able to pay for it.
I'm so heart broken. I don't know what to do. It's hard b/c I became so excited & now we're back to square one.
So, that's my update!

Where we are now.

I went to my post-op appt with Dr Homm on Monday. It appears everything is fine since the surgery. He didn't want to talk about the injections again b/c he needs a semen analyst from Danny before going any farther. If there is a prob there, then he would want to talk about IUI instead of shots.
I left completely stressed. I was upset w/ Danny for not getting this done sooner. I was upset w/ myself for not encouraging him to do it.
He is getting it done this week & things are going to be fine. When I left the office I just saw months passing by w/o getting preg! Now, I'm feeling better. I'm confident the s/a will be ok & we can move on to the follistim injections.
Before the surgery I wanted to get started back on running, but once I had the surgery I lost interest in it & everything. I'm feeling so much better now. I am excited to be back to myself again! YAH for me!

If it's not one thing..... (ya know the rest)

As soon as I started feeling better from the surgery, I'm hit w/ this awful cold. My fever & body aches started last night. The fever finally broke this eveing.
Davis went over to Nana & Papaw's b/c Daddy had a stomach bug. I just pray that little D doesn't get sick from us.
Danny went over to the store & bought things to sanitize the house. We bought some Febreeze anti-microbial, Clorox wipes, & more hand gel. I think we've cleaned the house of our bugs & will be ready for Davis to come home tomorrow.

On a happy note........ After my surgery I had some light spotting which I was told was normal. Then on Thursday AF came. I called Dr Homm to verify that I could consider this cycle day 1. They confirmed that I could, but no clomid or injections this round. They said my body needs 1 full cycle to heal before starting more meds. However, I can still ttc on my own. WOW, this is such good news for us. I've never had a normal cycle w/o clomid. We pray that we get our miracle & have an October baby this year. Please be in prayer for us this month!

Friday

I woke up at 3am this morning. I was able to walk down the hall on my own. This was a good sign b/c Danny had been assisting me in getting in & out of bed. I went to the fridge to get a water, but once I made it back to my bed the pain began. It was so bad, I wasn't able to get into bed. I called for Danny & he helped me into bed, gave me my vicodin & layed w/ me. The pain did not cease. He got in the shower & I called Dr Homm's office. The answering machine gave a pager # for emergency use only. I felt this was an emergency.
I called the pager & left my #. After 20 mins, no one had called back. I paged again & waited. My pain was only getting worse. I called Lynn to see if Whitney (she's a nanny & her boss is a high risk ob/gyn) had left for work yet. Lynn gave me Whitney's cell #. She was comforting and asked me to call Jewish Hospital for instructions.
Once I got Jewish on the phone, Kit Devine (Dr Homm's PA) beeped in. She told me to take 2 vicodin as needed. If that didn't help, to give her a call.
Gotta love the vicodin! I felt much better, but spent the rest of the day in bed.
I did get up around 5 for a bit. Danny had to run to Wal-Mart & I felt Davis & I would be OK long enough for him to go. Well, with everything that was going on, Bowie decided to jump into my lap (he's 65 lbs) & start having a seizure. The pain began again. All I could do was push him in the floor. I felt bad for the poor little dog, but what else was I to do?

I've got pics to post of my ovaries.... hopefully, I'll get those up tomorrow.

Day 1- Surgery Day

Today is the day of my surgery. Not as nervous as I thought I'd be. I'm more worried about Davis & how he's going to do today w/ Granny.
We get to Jewish East at 9:30 am. I end up waiting out in the lobby for over a hour to be called back for prep. During that time I was getting nervous, b/c I thought they had forgot about me.
When they did finally call me back, they took me to this fancy hotel like room. It was so nice. It had shiny hardwoood floors, a private bath w/ shower, a flatscreen tv, a closet, & my own phone.
They went through the basic medical questions & got me changed. They had to do a blood test to check for pregnancy (standard precedure) before starting the surgery. The nurse couldn't get the needle in, so they asked the anesthesioliogist to do it. He tried 4 times in my left hand & then moved on to my right hand. He ended up giving me a shot to numb my right hand, so he could poke around some more. Eventually, he got the blood & started my IVS.
They then called Danny & my Nanny into the room. It wasn't long that I was taken back into surgery. I don't remember much about that. I remember being moved onto the operating table & then I was out.
When I woke up from surgery in the recovery room, I was in so much pain. They gave me a shot of something & it helped. I then was sent back to my original room. Surgery lasted longer than expected 1 1/2 hours to be exact.
Dr Homm found that my left ovary was not in the correct position. It was pretty high up & over to my side. Plus, it was in a sac. So, if I did ovulate, it wouldn't do me any good.
I got a little sick after I came out of surgery. What else is new? I just don't think I do well on pain meds.
I came home & went to bed!


Footnote-
I went back & dated the next few entries on the date they happened, to keep the events straight in my head. I'll be posting more on my recovery in the next few posts.